Betrayed Spouse 101

Rebuilding From The Ashes: Obstacles

T here can be many obstacles to Rebuilding. Working through them together is part of the journey, and it isn't easy. Here are a few to look for:

Letting them 'just be friends'. This statement is utterly LUDICROUS and completely UNACCEPTABLE. They CANNOT go back once they have crossed that line. There's too much history, too much emotion, just plain TOO MUCH there. My husband broke up with his Other Woman 3 days after D-Day, first thing in the morning on his first day back in the office. By 3pm they were sharing "I'm so sorry's" and "Thank you for being mine for a little while" emails. The next day they were both convinced they could just be very, very close friends. A week later they were close friends who (oops!) let a flirting comment sneak in every now and then. A month later they were close friends who still have DAILY heart to heart talks and can't imagine not having each other in their lives in some capacity.

If you had asked my husband at the time all this 'friendship' was going on, he would have SWORN to you that he wasn't cheating anymore. That his 'relationship' with her was over. That he was devoted to his wife and his marriage. That he was working hard at rebuilding. Meanwhile his wife was at home, sick in her heart, knowing he was still attached to this woman, knowing that he put his 'friendship' above their marriage.

The fact is that by maintaining a 'friendship', (1) the two of them are maintaining a RELATIONSHIP. A connection. An emotional, if not a physical bond, (2) the cheating spouse is showing NO respect, no consideration, no concern for the feelings of the spouse they profess to love, (3) the betrayed spouse cannot feel secure or begin to rebuild trust as long as this other person is an active part of the cheater's life, and (4) the cheater is most DEFINITELY NOT putting all their efforts into rebuilding if they're still channeling emotions to and unloading their heart's desires on another person besides their spouse.

They cannot be 'just friends'. To say so is ludicrous, and to accept that they will is dangerous. NO CONTACT. NO DISCUSSION, NO COMPROMISE.

Giving the cheater some ‘time’ to decide. And what are you supposed to do while they take their time? Put your raw, wounded heart on a shelf and just not feel for a while? Spend your days and nights in emotional agony as you wait for their decision about your life? And what does that cheater need 'time' for? It's pretty cut and dried. Either they want to remain married, in which case they will take whatever steps necessary to repair their marriage, or they want a divorce. Anything in between is just buying time while they play with their toys for a little while longer, waiting to see who deserves to 'win' them in the end. Puh-leez. A lying, cheating, selfish spouse who gambles their marriage without really weighing the consequences and emotionally crucifies those they profess to love. Some prize! An affair is NOT a competition, and there should be no time frame for that cheater to pick the 'lucky winner' of such a questionable jackpot. If they want a marriage, the first step in the process is to ACT MARRIED.

Obsessing  Rather than repeat myself, I'll just tell you to go to the 'obsession' page. You can't live this way, and your spouse can't live with you that way.