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Betrayed Spouse 101
Why??? Page Four
"You Couldn't Handle the Truth"
Like the cheater was doing you this BIG favor by lying to you. Their selfish, deceiving ways were all to protect you. How touching. Protect you from what? THEIR CHEATING, SELFISH, CRUEL ACTIONS. They never told you because they didn't want to hurt you, certainly, but that noble thought hardly gives you a warm fuzzy when you realize that if it weren't for their actions, there would be nothing to cover up. They didn't 'fess up because they didn't want to end their marriage - they wanted to have that cake, frost it and eat it, too. They didn't want to look like the 'bad guy'. They didn't want YOU to realize how utterly lacking in character they were while doing this, and there's just plain nothing like the high of a cheap, accessible thrill.
"Yes, I Cheated, but You Drove Me To It"
i.e. You weren't attentive enough to their needs, you gained weight, you weren't giving them enough sex, and any other bullcrap they feel like expounding on. I call it bullcrap because it IS. No marriage is perfect. Yours may have indeed, been bad. You deserve 100% of the responsibility for YOUR part of the marriage, as does your spouse. If there were issues there, you need to realize that you are at fault for the areas of your marriage that YOU didn't work on. You are NOT at fault for something that happened OUTSIDE your marriage without your knowledge or consent. That is something you had no part in. There are some people in this world who FACE THEIR PROBLEMS like adults instead of running away from them. Your spouse chose not to be one of them.
Your Spouse is a sex addict
I know, it sound humorous at first. And I do want to add that only a MINORITY of those who have affairs are genuine, clinically diagnosed sex addicts. But for the spouses of those that are, diagnosing and treating the addiction involves special circumstances and an absolute NEED for a licensed therapist.
The following is an excerpt from an article entitled "How to Recognize the Signs
of Sexual Addiction" by Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD:
Patterns and examples of sexual Addiction
Fantasy sex: neglecting commitments because of fantasy life, masturbation
Seductive role sex: extramarital affairs (heterosexual or homosexual), flirting and seductive behavior
Anonymous sex: engaging in sex with anonymous partners, having one night stands
Paying for sex: paying prostitutes for sex, paying for sexually explicit phone calls
Trading sex: receiving money or drugs for sex
Voyeuristic sex: patronizing adult bookstores and strip shows, looking through windows of houses, having a collection of pornography at home or at work
Exhibitionist sex: exposing oneself in public places or from the home or car, wearing clothes designed to expose
Intrusive sex: touching others without permission, using position of power (eg, professional, religious) to sexually exploit another person, rape
Pain exchange: causing or receiving pain to enhance sexual pleasure
Object sex: including masturbating with objects, crossdressing to add to sexual pleasure, using fetishes as part of sexual rituals, having sex with animals
Sex with children: forcing sexual activity on a child, watching child pornography
If none of these describe your spouse, then breathe a small sigh of relief and read on. But if you're dealing with a sex addict, you need more help than you can find here. I urge you to check out the 'Cybercheating Resources' section of the Links Page for further information on treatment and diagnosis.
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