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The No Contact Rules For Rebuilding Spouses:
L et me preface this by saying that 'No Contact' isn't just about eliminating contact between the lovers. That's not even the most important reason. 'No Contact' is about RESPECT. If the cheater truly loves their spouse, truly wants to rebuild the marriage, and is willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage done, they need to show their spouse (and children) that THEY COME FIRST. That their relationship to and their love for them are more important than any kind of relationship with that Other Woman/Man.
Besides the obvious fact that any contact between the lovers is torturing the betrayed spouse, it all really boils down to respect. Do they respect the spouse enough to stop INTENTIONALLY hurting them? Do they respect them enough to push aside the need to see and talk to their former Other Woman/Man because they knows that (a) it might get them into trouble again (b) its only leading the Other Woman/Man on, by keeping some form of attachment alive and (c) because they need to make a very firm statement with their actions to prove to the spouse that they are working to keep their marriage alive after the killing blow they've dealt it.
1. There is to be NO CONTACT of a 'personal' nature between the cheater and their former lover. This includes:
2. When contact is necessary due to work or social situations, limit it. Your spouse may be thinking, what do I do if this is someone I have to interact with at work or elsewhere? My husband's affair was a workplace affair, as are many. His Other Woman was also on the executive team and they had to interact daily - practically hourly, via email and telephone. The rule was: keep it brief, keep it strictly professional, and don't take the 'bait'. By 'the bait', I mean don't let a professional discussion turn into something more with a 'Hi, how are you?" or a "How was your weekend?". You also don't respond with anything more than an "I'm fine" or "Fine" to those questions, and you END THE CONVERSATION. The same also goes for giving them gushing praise of their work, or doing them any special favors (like taking some of their work for them, helping them carry groceries, helping them keep score at a sporting event, etc). They don't have to be rude. They don't have to be nasty. What they do have to be is polite, brief and SCARCE.
3. The cheater must destroy, sell or give away any 'personal' objects or gifts given them by their former lover. This includes:
4. Continued contact with the former lover must be avoided by any means necessary. That means if they work together, the spouse must either look for another job (ideal) or if the economy is not strong enough for them to leave, they need to ask for a position or shift transfer to minimize contact with the former lover (and they should still be looking for another job even after the transfer). If they met and interacted due to a social activity (a hobby, club or sports team) they need to find a new hobby, change teams, join a new club, or (if you can stand it) the spouse should accompany them to every event. You may even want to take the drastic step of moving out of the area. I've known marriages that were saved in part due to a change of scenery.
5. When contact is initiated by the former lover, it needs to be IGNORED. No matter how emotional, how friendly, how pathetic, how scary it is. If the former lover is turning into Glenn Close and boiling bunnies while sharpening a knife and leaving messages on your machine filled with curse words, save the voicemails, save any threatening or self-threatening (i.e. they say they're committing suicide) emails and turn them all over to the police. Let them deal with it. If they're only trying to tug at your heartstrings, don't let them know they got a reaction. Who would you be helping by acknowledging that? It only plays them along, feeding them crumbs of attention, when they need to get up from the table and find another restaurant. And it's just more torture for the already tortured betrayed spouse.
The Ten Commandments of Severance
Thou shalt not call.
Thou shalt not trust anything your Soon-to-be-Ex (STBX) says - also it is verboten to expect or request comfort. The assassin is no refuge.
Thou shalt not go through memory boxes or wedding albums.
Thou shalt not meet face to face with your for any reason.
Thou shalt not direct remarks toward the STBX, should one inadvertently be faced with extended presence and/or voice of the STBX.
Vampires need to be invited in: thou shalt not invite the STBX into your head, your home, or rise to conversational bait no matter how bold or unjust.
Thou shalt utilize caller ID and not answer their phone calls.
Thou shalt, if strictly necessary, call their work phone after hours for return messages.
Thou shalt refrain from sarcastic remarks, judgement, personal commentary or volunteered information.
Thou shalt not attempt to negotiate, cook, massage their pencil neck, or make flirty yet seemingly casual contact of any kind. Game over.
Thou shalt not express feelings to the STBX. The expressing of feelings has been fully explored.
About the author:
Suzanne Finnamore is a nationally published author, residing in Marin County, CA. Her first two novels are Otherwise Engaged and The Zygote Chronicles . She is currently working on her 3rd novel, concerning divorce. Click HERE for information about her books. |
