Betrayed Spouse 101

Why???

T he endless, agonizing question: Why? Why did they do this to me? Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why, why, why and WHY????? You can drive yourself mad with all of the 'whys', particularly if your spouse is like mine and just wants you to get over it and hates to talk about it. But talk you must, if you're ever going to truly determine the motivations behind the actions that led to this life-altering event. I've spoken to many betrayed spouses, and we've probably heard every excuse and explanation you can imagine. Some were given no explanation at all - how's that for cruelty - and have learned to glean what they can from the events and actions surrounding them. When it comes time for the 'Big Talk', be ready to hear...

"It Just Happened"/"We Never Planned It"
Those are the most ridiculous phrases I have EVER heard. When my Husband tried those on me, I went BALLISTIC. Yes, your attraction to each other "just happened". Your decision to ACT on that mutual attraction was just that: a DECISION. One that you made again and again and again, knowing fully that the consequences could be catastrophic, but choosing to gamble (against the odds, I might add) that you wouldn't get caught or that you wouldn't get 'too involved'. And no, you didn't "plan" to be attracted to someone outside your marriage (or with someone who was married themselves), but once you decided to pursue that relationship, you most certainly PLANNED every email, every phone call, every meeting, every INTIMACY. Affairs are all about planning. When you're sneaking around, 'planning' is crucial.

"I Never Loved You Any Less"
In my husband's defense, he truly meant that when he said it. What he doesn't realize is that is a perfectly TERRIBLE thing to say to your spouse. You never loved me any less? Less that what? You HAD to have loved me less than I thought you loved me, or you would have been UNABLE to do this awful thing to me. Either he was fooling himself by again trying to pretend that his affair did not affect me until I 'found out', or he has never felt about me the way I THOUGHT he felt about me. I'd rather he 'fess up and admit his feelings for me languished - even slightly- while he was infatuated with his Other Woman, than to find out that my belief in the strength of his love for me was mistaken.