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Betrayed Spouse 101

Obsession aint just a perfume...

OBSESS Obsession. Fixating on every little detail of what happened. Checking their email, their voicemail, following them around, demanding an accounting of every single minute of their time. Replaying again and again and again those ugly words, those hideous thoughts that led to this place in your life. Whose life is this? And how do you get out of it???

The truth is, obsessing is a natural by-product for ANYONE who has been through a traumatic incident. Just as the robbery victim replays the moment that gun was pushed in their face, the car accident victim replays the screech of those tires and the war veteran replays the sound of gunfire. You can't help it - your mind is going to go there. Whether or not it STAYS there, however, is something you CAN control.

What Obsessing DOES:
It keeps you from focusing your energy on something positive.
It robs you of any kind of inner peace.
It diverts your thoughts from constructive solutions to your dilemma.

What Obsessing does NOT do:
It does NOT let you move forward.
It does NOT give you the sense of security you seek.
It does NOT keep that other person from doing exactly as they please.

All the checking up, all the mentally replaying every moment leading up to and every moment during the affair will not give you what you seek: An answer. A promise that this is over now. The security of knowing it will never happen again to you.

I know, that's scary. But it's true. You can throw up every roadblock in the world, follow your spouse every moment of every day, but if they're determined to communicate with that Other Woman/Man, they will. They found ways before, and they will continue to do so, if that is what they want. And really, do you want them faithful just because
you're a deterrent?

And as for your mind replaying words they said, things they may have done or actually did do with that Other Woman/Man - where is that taking you? Are you hoping to discover why? What went wrong? You can analyze until the cows come home, rationalize any way you please, but the truth is that the only person who knows the truth is the one person who isn't being terribly truthful with you right now.

So you need to stop. Easier said than done, I know. I rode the obsession train until it crashed into the side of a mountain. What you need are some coping strategies and some enlightening reading material to get you through this. Click a link below for some helpful resources.

Coping With Obsession

Some Thoughts On Obsession and The Payoff We Get, Or Not by Suzanne Finnamore