Betrayed Spouse 101

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

S tay or Go? Which is the right answer? Do I take my cheating spouse back, put my faith in them again and hope they won't do this again? Or do I cut my losses and risk always wondering if I should have tried harder?

Its not an easy decision, and if you're grappling with it now, you most certainly SHOULDN'T decide it overnight. You need time to weigh the pros and cons.

Some Reasons For Rebuilding:

1. You love your spouse. Plain and simple, you love your spouse. You WANT a life with them, and you're willing to work through this so that you can have it.
2. Your spouse is remorseful, and you believe they do not want to repeat their 'mistake'. Either they want that life or they don't. If they don't, and they're willing to work with you on it, you may decide to stay.
3. You want your kids to have a 2-parent family (a.k.a. 'staying for the kids'). If your spouse is willing to work on your marriage, and you want your children's worlds to be preserved intact, you might decide its worth fighting for. Children and family can be a powerful pull, and the simple desire to do what's best for your children outweighs all the wounded pride in the world.
4. Its a bad time to leave. Maybe you're drowning in debt. Maybe your children are too young, or old enough to know the real story. Maybe you have health issues. Whatever the reason, divorcing right now would make the problem a thousand times worse, in your eyes.
5. You made a vow. You promised through better and worse, and you meant it. You made a vow before friends and family and God. Your spouse decided to break it, but you didn't.
6. You don't want to 'quit'. Maybe you consider divorce a 'failure', and being perceived as 'failing' at your marriage is humiliating. Maybe you just don't want that Other Woman/Man to 'win' in their efforts to break up your marriage. Whatever the reason, you just don't want to throw in the towel without a fight.

Some Reasons for Divorcing

1. Because you no longer feel what you felt on your wedding day. For some people, the affair is just the final straw in a long and painful disintegration process. For others, it tore apart the fabric of the marriage so badly, it can never be repaired. You may decide that you can never have a marriage that will fulfill you, so its time to end it.
2. For Your Children. If the fallout from the affair and the current state of your marriage are making your children miserable, then you may want to end the chaos permanently. Yes, divorce is hard on children. But so is staying and watching one parent behave irresponsibly and another live as a doormat. What lessons do they take from that?
3. Separate Identity. You will be answerable only to you. Free to do what you want, when you want, the way you want, within reason. Financially, legally and emotionally responsible only for YOU and your children, if you have them.
4. No more lies, no more doubts. You don't have to weigh what your spouse says to you anymore because whether they lie to you or not doesn't matter. Your life belongs to you and they have no say in it, and the only power they have over it is the power you chose to give them.
5. No more risk of STD's. Many of those involved in affairs do not use condoms, leaving you at risk for a Sexually Transmitted Disease. If you haven't been tested yet, do so. Be safe. Remember, its not just your spouse you're sleeping with, but every partner their Other Woman/Man slept with, also.
6. You've lost all respect for your spouse, and you don't believe you can ever regain it. There comes a point in time where you have to decide whether or not you will be able to contribute to THEIR quality of life. Can you get over this? Can you move on and re-establish intimacy, some trust, respect for them? If the answer is 'no', what kind of marriage would you be rebuilding?

No one can make this decision but you and your spouse. If they say they want to work it out, then you have a big, momentus decision to make. Don't take it lightly, don't burn your bridges, and don't act quickly or rashly. Most of all, don't compromise YOURSELF. Check the "Rebuilding From The Ashes" page and the "Hit The Road, Jack" page for more insight into the decision process.