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I'm going to give you a direct quote from Dr. Phil McGraw that was an epiphanyfor me. Are you ready? "You never have to trust them again. What you have to do is trust that you will know how to handle it if they do this again."
If you decide to rebuild, sadly, you will NEVER be able to trust again 100%. Maybe after 50 years of PROVEN honesty, love and fidelity from your mate, you won't think about it much anymore, but until then you BOTH have to accept the fact that the trust will NEVER be as it was. Does that mean you have to follow them everywhere they go? Stand over their shoulder whenever they surf the internet? Not allow them to go on business trips with ANYONE of the opposite sex??? In the beginning, the cheater will most definitely have to live an 'open' lifestyle, without a whole lot of privacy. But as time goes by, and their actions prove that the betrayed spouse has nothing to take issue with, the obsessive need to 'check up' will wane. They key to getting to that point as a Betrayed Spouse is the realization that if it DOES happen again, you've got a gameplan. Think about it. Can you really, truly stop your spouse from cheating if they are determined to do so? They've lied and sneaked around before. They'll do it again, if they truly want to. You cannot control another person's actions and thoughts. But you can control yours. You aren't going to sweat about this because: (a) if they do it again, you know the warning signs, (b) you know exactly how you will deal with it next time and (c) you are much stronger than you thought you were on D-Day.
Trust in you. The rest will come, if your spouse's actions warrant it.
Remember, the cheater may have decided to have an affair without you, but they decided to come home to you so that you can rebuild TOGETHER. Take whatever steps you need to take to make that happen.
And you NEED to fill in those 'blank' areas. Not just to give you a feeling of control over the situation (which you badly need right now), but more importantly, you BOTH need to work out the root cause for the betrayer's decision to have an affair. What were the motivating factors? What flipped the little moral switch in their head and made the behavior they engaged in acceptable to them on ANY level? You can't possibly get to the bottom of it and RESOLVE it and put it BEHIND you if you don't have all the facts. You'll forever be wondering what you missed that might sneak up and surprise you. So you'll need to talk, you'll need to analyze and you'll need to ponder just what all this information means to you. And it will take TIME. There is NO rushing through this, and if you're mate is ready to give you the time and the answers you need, then they're not as committed to this process as you are.
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