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Betrayed Spouse 101

Page Three

"I Was Stupid"
No, they are not stupid. They made a stupid choice. They had free will, this was not the result of a head injury. They did a stupid thing. You both need to find out why.

"Its All My Fault - Don't Blame Her/Him"
There are indeed circumstances where the Other Woman/Man is NOT to blame. Did your spouse lie to them and say they were single? Is the Other Woman/Man a minor, not an adult? A hooker? If so, then they were just a device. But, if like the majority, they were two consenting adults who were aware of their respective marital statuses and decided to do it anyway, you've got a different kettle of fish.

Let me state this for the record, so there is no misunderstanding my point of view on this subject. THEY ARE BOTH TO BLAME. BOTH. Not just one or the other - BOTH.
I will take full responsibility for any issues my husband and I have in our marriage. There may have indeed been things in our marriage that he was unhappy with - behaviors on my part, interactions between us, whatever. He had a choice to communicate his issues with me and proactively work on a solution either by working through them or ending our marriage. Or he could take the easy way out and find a diversion. He could have taken up golf or written a novel, but instead he chose to play with her. Why? Because she PLAYED BACK.
The Cheater and the Other Woman/Man BOTH need to take responsibility for their relationship, a relationship you had no part in starting or furthering. They made a choice. They CHOSE not to think more than 10 minutes into the future to see how disastrous the consequences could have been. For BOTH of them.

Their decision to have an affair was just that: THEIR decision. They never asked or consulted you to see if you were OK with it. The cheater is at fault for stepping over the line of friendship into a relationship that was harmful to their marriage and children (if any) and a direct betrayal of promises they made to you. The Other Woman/Man is at fault for choosing to turn a blind eye toward the destruction of another's life, which she/he had an active hand in. Somewhere out there is an Other Woman/Man who is reading this and thinking - "Hey, its not my fault they cheated. They would have done it anyway." PUH-LEEZ. I heard this analogy made once on the support board and I think it captures it beautifully. Its like seeing a man preparing to beat a child. If you offer him your belt to use, how are you blameless? You can say "I didn't beat that child. His relationship with his child is his business, and I have nothing to do with it. If it hadn't been my belt, he would have found someone else's belt, anyway. He was bound to beat that child regardless of my involvement." Does any of that rationalization change the fact that it was through the perpetrator AND your actions that another human being was hurt?

That cheating spouse and Other Woman/Man decided to gamble the cheater's marriage, their reputations, their friendships, sometimes their careers - knowing the consequences and knowing the odds were against them. Fine. They are adults and can do what they want with their own lives. What they didn't bother to examine was that they were also gambling YOUR marriage, YOUR life with someone, YOUR sense of security, YOUR sense of worth in relation to your spouse and if you have children, YOUR future as a full-time parent to your children (if you end up divorcing and share custody, doesn't that turn you into a part-time parent against your will?). Who gave them the right to toy with YOUR life? They never told you they were doing it. You never had any say in it. THEY ARE BOTH TO BLAME.