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Betrayed Spouse 101

Page Two

"I Never Meant To Hurt You"
No, they never meant to get CAUGHT, thereby avoiding 'hurting' you, as in, 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her'. What the cheater needs to realize is that even before you knew about their affair, it was affecting you, and hurting your marriage. During the time of his affair, my husband's stress level was through the roof. He experienced insomnia, a hair-trigger temper and I didn't seem to have as much time with him as I used to. I chalked it up to stress on his job - he had been recently promoted. I was right, the stress was most definitely 'job-related' - his Other Woman was a coworker. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, even if I never in my wildest dreams thought it was an affair. Affairs rob your marriage of intimacy, trust, security and jeopardize everything between the two of you, not to mention jeopardizing careers, friendships - all the things on the periphery. That spouse may not think the cheater is having an affair, but even if the spouse happy in their marriage, they KNOW fundamentally there is something NOT RIGHT. The spouse is probably just assigning the blame to other causes.

"It Was A Mistake"
Unless your spouse had a drunken one night stand that they regret and confess immediately, I can't fathom attaching this word to something as calculated as an affair. A mistake is hitting a baseball through a window. A mistake is stepping on a cat. A mistake is forgetting your Mother's birthday. One time shots, done without forethought, regretted immediately, remedied if possible, and NOT repeated. An affair is considered, fantasized about, talked about, planned for and then finally executed. And that process occurrs for EACH and EVERY occurrence of intimate contact, emotional or physical. That goes far beyond a mere 'mistake'. It was deliberate, it was calculated, it was repetitive, it was cruel, it was selfish, and it needs to be addressed that way.

"I've Been Feeling Bad About This For A Long Time"
Why? And why didn't they act on that 'bad' feeling, to try to stop this behavior if it was truly eating them up inside? Do they realize that little voice telling them what they were doing was wrong was their INTERNAL MORAL COMPASS? Their sense of RIGHT and WRONG. Their CONSCIENCE. Why did they ignore it? What led them to decide to become the kind of person they would snicker at and whisper behind the back of at a dinner party? What kept them from coming clean with you? And are they ready to take RESPONSIBILITY now that it's all coming to light?